Idle Mammography Machine Repurposed as Panini Press (Satire)


Disclaimer: This post is adapted from GomerBlog, a satirical site about healthcare.

With so many elective procedures cancelled in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, many pieces of hospital equipment have started gathering dust. But one radiologist had different plans for the mammogram machine in the basement. “I was sitting there eating my sandwich and the idea just hit me,” explained Ray DeGraph, MD. “Let’s fire this puppy up and make a panini press!”

Word quickly spread about the new sandwich-squisher and employees started lining up by the dozens. The radiology department even developed a new menu, with options such as the BRCA BLT, Radioactive Reuben, Screening Sub, and Hyperplasia Hoagie.

When the hospital administration caught wind, they couldn’t help but take advantage of the situation by re-activating all mammogram machines and charging employees $5 per press. Hospital CEO Tae Kyordo couldn’t have been happier. “We’re grateful to Dr. DeGraph for his ingenuity and willingness to help with cash flow during this difficult time.”

Sadly, the program was shut down after just 1 week when the machines became caked with melted cheese. “Radiation injury is a known risk,” DeGraph explained. “We were just happy to have put a smile on people’s faces for a little while.”

In a stunning display of kindness, the hospital announced that all panini-related proceeds will be donated to the COVID Healthcare Gyros Foundation.

Last Updated August 04, 2020

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